Diminish

I feel defeated, diminished, somehow.  Nothing to do with my father, but everything to do with my life.  I don't understand how things get so crazy.

I wonder if I will ever be normal, feel normal.  I have a job, one that I sometimes really like; I have great kids, and great sort-of-kids; a husband who genuinely loves me and enjoys my company; and I am in school.  What is not good about my life?

I feel like I am fighting all of the time to keep the things that are important.  The little boys, M and J, are lovable, wonderful kids, and yet I am worried about losing them.  They have become a huge part of my life and I can't imagine it without them, and yet, there is that danger.  M is finally understanding that he is part of a family without any strings attached: he doesn't have to be quiet, he can get angry, he can disagree without any negative repercussions.   J is just three, and oh, so cute!! He is learning compound sentences and Brien is working with him on coloring in the lines and

spelling his name.  He is who he is--rough and tumble, lovey, and oh, so funny!